why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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