She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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