You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize