she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
