Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
