just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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