my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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