If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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