it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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