Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
