there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
