Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
