guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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