I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
