If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
