apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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