Soap is not a condiment
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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