I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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