Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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