I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
