Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
