I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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