I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
