I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
