I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
