I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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