Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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