if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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