Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
