i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
