In the future we'll all be gay
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
