True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
