Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
