at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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