No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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