Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
