I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Welp...herpes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
