I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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