how can u be prego again
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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