guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
