If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
