I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
