Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize