I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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