I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Who put my cat in the fridge?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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