sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
