Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
