Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
