I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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