So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
