so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
