I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
