The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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