I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
