the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
